Have you ever stopped and thought to yourself, ‘Lord have mercy. Those folks in Florida sure do have their shit together.’ If so, I’m guessing you don’t get much news in your parts. With that in mind, I’m going to take a minute to recall some of Florida’s colorful history as a way of sequeing into what I really want to discuss — gigantic snails.
In 2006, Jeb Bush ratified Florida’s state motto from The Sunshine State to In God we Trust to align with the current motto of the whole of the USA. Far from the first Bush family member to let others do their work for them, it may have actually been the best idea to ever pinball around his fat head. After all, taking away Florida’s identity may help people forget how ripe it is with idiosyncrasy (read: unique problems). With Florida, however, they would need to aerosolize some permanent, amnesia-inducing drug across the entire country to erase their epic fails.
Before The Sunshine State, Florida was known as The Land of Good Living. Now, sInce Florida actually ranks sixth in sunniest states, what this effectively means is that Florida ranks number one in inaccurate if not completely ironic license plates. You see, as far as I can tell, God is using Florida as a modern day Egypt where he can revisit the 10 plagues of the old testament…for kicks, but to avoid the stigma(ta) of predictability, he has introduced a flare and panache that has everyone saying, ‘Are you f**cking kidding me?!’
Any straight-minded individual might say, ‘to hell with this’ and relocate, but Floridians trust in God and, I’m guessing, find reason and comfort in the madness.
What is this madness? Well, they’ve got geriatrics, pythons, sinkholes, zombies, hurricanes, gigantic rats and most recently, giant African land snails. In other words, this truly is The Land of Good Living. The snails can grow to be 12 inches in length, have no natural predator, and eat any vegetation in their path, including crops. The BBC had this to add:
In some Caribbean countries, such as Barbados, which are overrun with the creatures, the snails’ shells blow out car tires [sic] and turn into projectiles when they encounter lawnmower blades.
In addition, their slime and excrement coat walls and pavement.
It’s a hell scape lined with palms…and golf carts sitting on one or more flat tires. And it gets worse:
A typical snail can produce about 1,200 eggs a year. They have been known to carry a parasitic rat lungworm that can cause illness in humans, including a form of meningitis…
Among the solutions discussed by experts at the [highly exclusive and top secret – ed.] Giant African Land Snail Science Symposium last week, was the use of a stronger bait approved recently by the federal government.
So hide your rats and hold your breath. The stronger bait they speak of? No doubt giant African land lettuce — also an invasive species. If you’re wondering what you can do to help, don’t. Floridians that haven’t already forgotten what they had for breakfast are probably dealing with backyard sinkholes, a burmese python wrapping itself around their neck, cat-sized rats clamoring out of their toilets as they sit on them or frothing, naked men running full speed down the highway, screaming about flesh. And if they’re lucky enough to avoid all of that, there’s a plague of giant mosquitos about to descend on the area. No, I figure Florida will actually embrace the giant snails soon enough. At least they don’t have a taste for human blood. Hell, in a year, the snails may have the vote.
By the way, those mosquitos I mentioned – the ones that will soon be compared to rabid woodpeckers searching for insects inside your body with no conscience – they mark the eighth plague. I’m trusting God will make the last two as fun as the previous eight. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he went for 15-20. Don’t you let me down, Lord!!!